365 Days of Being a Mother...

The feeling is surreal. I still can't believe that I am a mother and have been one for the past 1 year. Most of the time the husband tells me he doesn't know who is more of a child, me or our son iishwar. Lol. I always believed in reliving the inner child in me. But I digress. 

Before iishwar was born, I was already very determined to do the best I could do for him as a mother. One of the most important thing was breastfeeding. I was very passionate about it. Why? Because it is something I can give to my baby for free, something awesome that only a mother can do and of course it is something that could help my baby grow up healthy. No, I am not saying formula milk is bad for babies. I supplement iishwar with formula and he is doing fine (touch-wood). I am just saying that I was passionate about breastfeeding, I was very excited to try it. How difficult could it be right? WRONG! I am not sure if it was just for me, or it is the same for everyone. I had a epic breastfeeding journey of blocked ducts, cracked nipples (TMI, sorry), engorgement, insufficient milk supply bla bla bla. Whatever possible complication there could be with breastfeeding, I had it. Lol. 

I remember breaking down crying one night while feeding iishwar. It was just too painful because of the blocked duct. I remember telling my mother, "why is God making this so difficult for me, I am trying to do something good for my baby. why can't it be easier?". Yes that was a moment of madness due to lack of sleep, lack of rest, lack of proper knowledge. :P

I pulled through, I made it. I learnt to take it easy, I learnt to give what I have and not push myself beyond the limit and get frustrated. I have done the best I could for my baby and I am proud of it. 

Before iishwar was born, many of my friends and family advised me to get enough sleep now and that I will never be able to sleep like I do now once the baby is born. I was skeptic. Come on, how bad could it be? Boy, was I so wrong! I learnt to function with less than 4 hours sleep. I learnt to sleep whenever and wherever I can. I learnt to go back to sleep in a jiffy. Sleep is so over-rated anyway. Haha. 

Besides the lack of sleep, life has also taken a 180 degree change with a baby around. If last time the husband and I could just plan to go away for the weekend, now we have to plan at least 2-3 weeks ahead. If last time, we used to be out and about whenever we felt like, now we prefer to just stay back at home and be with our son. If last time we would walk in to a cinema any time to watch a movie, now we watch only the worth watching ones (so that we don't have to leave iishwar behind frequently). If last time, the priority was us, now priority was the tiny human being who depended on us. 

I once told my husband that I can't imagine how empty our life would have been if not for iishwar. Now, there's a purpose. There's a purpose for our life. There's a purpose to me working my ass off. There's a purpose for the savings. There's a purpose of being responsible. There's a purpose of striving for the best. 

Being a mother is mostly a roller-coaster ride. When it is up, it is at the peak, when it is low, it is at the pit of some bottomless lake. Just saying. Being a working mother, your life is like a roller coaster 24/7, 365 days a year. Hahahaha.

Being a working mother means not being able to spend all the time with the baby. I was not the first person to see him roll over, I was not the first person to see him crawl, sit, stand up, walk and I know there will be more to come and I will not be the first to know. In the beginning, that depressed me. I am his mother, yet I could not be the first to know of his new development. I broke down once again (I seem to be doing that quite often since I delivered, MUST be the hormones!). I was afraid my baby will not love me enough because I am always not there. But like I always do, I picked myself up, with a lot of help from the husband. I may not the be able to be with him always but I will there for him, always. 

Being a mother is a work in progress. But I also know that I am the best mother for my baby (even though I still find changing his diaper when he poops gross?). I know no one else could love him as much as I do. I know no one else will sacrifice anything, anything at all to see him happy. I know that my life now is more meaningful, because of him. 

On a different note, before I even got pregnant, I promised myself that I would be a cool mother when I had a baby! I want my son to be able to talk to me about anything. I want to be able to play with my son like I am a child myself. I want to share his dreams and his thoughts. I want him to tell me about his first love (I promise I won't judge). I want to be his friend. I want to be his comrade. I want to be his partner in crime (can't wait for you to grow up so that we can prank Appa together). :-))

Iishwar, if you ever come across this blog in future, I want you to know that having you was the best thing that happened in my life (sorry to the husband, you have been relegated to no.2). I don't mind facing the swollen legs, stretch marks, going through hair fall episodes, having a big tummy, looking like a hippo and losing sleep again and again for you. Please remember this in future when you think this mother of yours is being impossible with you or refuses to get you the play station you asked for! ;-)

Happy birthday Baby. Amma loves you so much that even words can't describe. 

p/s : Being a mother past 365 days has been AWESOME!